Sayings That Don’t Help

Or fundamental misunderstandings of emotional neglect and complex Trauma

Over the long course of my struggles, I’ve encountered plenty of misunderstanding and well-intentioned advice that misses the mark. The things I write here have been said by people whom I respect and care about, but were not able to accurately relate to my experience in the moment of the conversation.

Have you tried talking to your mother/father/family? Are you going to do more to have a better relationship with them?

Intention: Someone growing up in a healthy family has likely had plenty of experiences getting emotional support from those closest to them when they are struggling. The first thing that may come to mind is to suggest the first thing that they would do.

Reality: I have lived with complex trauma manifesting as crippling depression around my family for decades. It was not a secret. They have not helped address the situation up to this point. How would attempting to go back to them lead to different results? I have never had an open, genuine emotional experience with either of my parents; in fact I was conditioned as a young child not to be open, genuine, and authentic about my emotional state.

How could I possibly return to my family and attempt to change the relationship, when I’m struggling so much to manage my basic emotions? I need resources and support that was not found in the environment I grew up in.

Result: It’s such a deflating feeling to hear this type of suggestion; it makes me feel ashamed as if I didn’t do enough to try to connect with my parents as a child and if I simply tried harder then I wouldn’t have suffered for my entire life.

Rewording: Is there anyone in your family who you feel close to? Do feel comfortable reaching out to them? Is there any reason you haven’t been able to share your struggles with them?

Are you seeing a therapist?

Intention: This is very common advice to seek help when in need of support. Most people aren’t equipped to deal with severe mental and emotional health issues. They care, they want to see me get help, but may not feel like they’re able to provide what I need.

Reality: Of course I have seen and considered seeing therapists. I’ve been dealing with this for decades. And no you don’t need to suggest a therapist to me, especially when you haven’t really taken the time to understand the full depth of the issue. Therapists aren’t interchangeable widgets. There are certain types of people trained in specific methodologies and able to relate to specific conditions. Further, I’ve had many unhelpful and dissatisfying experiences with therapy. These need to be taken into account as well.

Have you taken the time to understand my situation fully before offering this advice? Are you going to support me finding the correct type of therapist that can help?

Result: It again is shame-inducing, isolating, and deflating to hear this. It makes me feel like people in the world don’t have the capacity to support me, that I’m a burden, that I need to pay someone to even give me 50 minutes a week to talk about a lifetime of emotional pain. It’s disconfirming; I don’t even get a chance to be heard and understood before this advice is given to me. It makes me feel again like it’s my fault I’m suffering and I haven’t been proactive enough.

Rewording: Do you feel like you have access to the resources you need? If you wanted to see a therapist, what type of person would be the most helpful? Do you want any support searching for someone who can help?

Are you going to keep seeing your therapist?

Intention: I guess someone wants to make sure I’m committed to my mental health. They may want to make sure that I’m not going to stop doing things that are helpful.

Reality: This is a personal decision based on the relationship between myself and the therapist. I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask this. It makes me feel like the other person thinks I’m stupid or not serious about trying to address concerns that have totally crippled my life.

Result: Frustration and feeling unseen. I have a therapist I like a lot right now, but even then getting this question just makes me feel like I’m being interrogated to make sure I don’t go off the “program.”

Rewording: Do you feel like you’re getting enough support with your current therapist? Are there any things you feel like you are still lacking in support-wise?

Have you tried medication?

Intention: Again, someone is just trying to help and restating commonly given advice.

Reality: Yes. I have begrudgingly tried anti-depressants. They killed my libido, made me feel numb, and did nothing to help me heal the underlying issues. All they do is suppress symptoms. I wasn’t born with a deficit of SSRIs in my head! I made the decision several times that I would rather feel depressed and miserable than nothing at all.

This is not to mention the negative health effects. Beyond the physical side-effects, they’re actually making the problem worse because now I’m just chemically suppressing even more of my emotions. This is an absolutely wrong-headed approaching knowing what I know now.

Result: Ok, you think my brain is broken and I need to be medicated to be a normal person. I don’t trust you any more. I’m not going to listen to anything else you suggest.

Rewording: Just don’t ask this. Don’t suggest this. You need to be a mental health professional or already in a very close, trusted relationship with the person.

These challenges are going to comeback/be with you for life.

Intention: This is usually said when I talk about my positive experiences overcoming depression et al. The other person is probably just trying to make sure I’m grounded and don’t get blindsided thinking that mental health struggles are so easily overcome.

Reality: Thanks for the tip! I hadn’t noticed over the decades and decades of trying that these were persistent issues that do not have a magic quick fix. Sarcasm off. But what I did notice the entire time is a deep and firmly held belief that living in this trauma response was not a permanent state that I was stuck in. I experienced flashes, however brief, of something very different. I know that there is more to me. Nothing will convince me otherwise.

Result: To believe this statement, would literally be 1) condemning myself to a miserable half-life of suffering and 2) spitting on the all the effort I’ve put in to try to change. It makes me feel angry and misunderstood.

Rewording: Remember that we all need support for our struggles. There’s no magic to this, and it takes time to grow and gain the strength to overcome such longstanding issues. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you start feeling these challenges and feelings resurface.

Have you tried diet/exercise/mediation/getting sun?

Intention: Giving basic advice on being healthy. Good health does improve mental state.

Reality: YES YES YES YES. I’ve tried it all over the course of my life. None of this addresses the root trauma and causes of emotional dysregulation. None of this can re-regulate my emotions. I’ve had people tell me to take walks and exercise when I had literally run 5km almost every day for the previous year and only stopped when I fell apart the in trauma response. Why would I need to be reminded that I should do things I was already consistently doing? It’s baffling.

Result: It’s beyond frustrating to hear this. It makes me feel like I’m looked at as if I suddenly became an idiot. It’s isolating as well, because it means that the people saying this really didn’t see all the effort I’ve been putting in to get better. And it’s not really even addressing what’s needed.

Rewording: Do you want to take a walk and get outdoors with me and some friends? I have a few recipes I could share with you. Is there anything health or lifestyle wise you may feel you need some help with?

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Notice the rewordings are mostly about offering help to the person who needs help. Complex trauma is relational. The cure is supporting the sufferer through relationships. Giving intellectual advice, no matter how well meaning, by definition is missing the mark completely and inadvertently humiliating and isolating for the sufferer. Emotional issues aren’t cured solely by acquiring more knowledge.

In most cases, people know what they need to do. It’s not a deficient of knowledge; it’s a deficient of emotional support and a lack of safety.

Unfortunately, depending on how safe one feels, they may or may not be capable of responding to offers of help. When someone is severely confused and imbalanced they probably don’t want to take a walk with a friend or talk about what type of support they may be looking for. They probably are overwhelmed and just need help calming down. Advice and offers to help of any kind should to be given with propriety.