If I never bend my leg, maybe it will never break. - A wishful thinker

I’ve carried a defective understanding of human relationships since I lay in the cradle. Human relationships were assigned to me from above; I had no agency in choosing whom I connected with. If I was graced with a connection, I viewed it as a fragile concern that would irreversibly shatter when subjected to the slightest stress. Anyone who interacted with me, was, in my mind, barely tolerating my presence and no amount of words or deeds could convince me otherwise.

Acknowledging another person’s emotions, asking about their life, their families, their concerns was forbidden. I reflexively denied every piece of sensory information relating to anyone’s emotional state -including my own. My mind stayed moored in abstract, intellectual waters during conversations and far away from anything that would require acknowledging the existence of an emotional reality. I chameleoned, constantly backing down from my deeply held beliefs at the slightest challenge in order to avoid the slightest possibility or turbulence. I hid my own affinities, wants, needs, and desires to avoid being criticized or seen. I hid them so well I even forgot what they were myself.

Above all I practiced extreme counter-dependence; I was absolutely forbidden from asking anyone for anything if I could not pay for it with money, labor, or favors. Moreover, asking for emotional support was out of the question entirely, In my mind just bringing my presence generated such a severe emotional indebtedness that asking anything more was an egregious act that would further bury me with guilt and shame.

Writing these words shines light on how bizarre, twisted, and demonic the paradigm I internalized truly is. But this was normal for me; this was how it always was since I was a small child. I remember nights and days feeling terror waiting for my parents abandon me. I agonized during trips to stores, if my parents were out of sight for instant I feared I would be left. Calling to ask a friend to play was a nerve wracking experience that I soon gave up completely. A girl had a crush on me in kindergarten, and I remember freezing up completely and refusing to speak to her or acknowledge her presence after learning that.

At a very young age, most likely in the infant years, my relational desires became shame-bound, and consequently many other parts of myself as well. I internalized the idea that my need for human connection was bad, and I was bad, I was a burden, I was unworthy because I had these desires inside me. I needed to get rid of these desires to be good, and so the mind played it’s part by hiding these needs from my conscious awareness. My desire for human connection was pushed into fantasies about stumbling into a super-connection with an idealized other that required no effort on my part, feelings of anxiety, and extreme avoidant behaviors.

Once the desire for connection was pushed into the mental attic, I was left with an inorganic view of relationships. I viewed relationships like platonic entities in that they could only existent in an perfect idealized form beyond the world I lived in. Shame created a barrier that restricted my ability to experience actual, embodied participation in human relationships. All connections existed outside of myself, and I could look, but not touch because if I dared to touch these mystical bonds they would surely break.

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I might as well use my leg if it’s already here. - A pragmatist

As I continue along this processes of processing and healing deep-rooted, shame-based distortions I’m beginning to understand relationships in a more organic sense.

Connections are living energetic bonds between people. They’re adaptive and responsive to stressors. Healthy connections are anti-fragile and become stronger as people work through conflict. I’m just now realizing all this.

A neural connection is a good analogy for human relationships. When a new neural pathway forms, it’s a slow, awkward, and takes lots of effort. As energy is repeatedly channeled through that same pathway the axons become myelinated and the connection strengthens.

Or take any joint in the body, say the knee. Without sufficient movement the knee atrophies and loses functionality, becoming stiff and inflexible. Use increases the blood circulation and allows for the body to deliver nutrient-rich fluids to the ligaments and cartilage forming the joint. Exercise and healthy stressors trigger an adaptive response strengthening the muscles and ligaments resulting in the joint becoming stronger. My leg wont break if I never bend it, but it will wither into uselessness.

Connections are something that happen through us, not to us. I didn’t fully internalize that I was an active participant in my relationships. I didn’t realize that the bonds I form with people are a tangible energetic extension of my being. But they are, and I proved this to myself through experiencing the pain of severing connections I had formed with people who cared about me several times over the course of my life. Even though I couldn’t mentally acknowledge the reality that I had formed a human connection, the pain of loss still shocked me to my core. Connections have a real existence and we are active participants in them.

Connections develop as a function of the energy we put into them. Paralyzed by shame and fear, I’ve been a passive participant in most of my relationships, waiting around for something to happen to me or someone deign to give me attention or request my presence. This is the equivalent of letting my leg atrophy as I mentally wait around for my thighs and hamstrings to decide to run a marathon. Without consistent energetic exchange from both parties, the relationship will wither, and potentially fall away completely. Those that remain will never grow strong.

Connections require honesty, openness and vulnerability. The sensitive parts of us are where we connect. Bees pollinate delicate flowers, not hardened bark. Gasoline won’t get a car very far if someone pours it all over the paneling because they don’t want to take off the gas cap. If we are truly to be loved and known by someone else we have to be willing to accept the possibility of being hurt by that person. Shame bound self-deprecation removes the possibility of hurt by cloaking oneself in a false image of worthlessness. “You can’t reject me! I’ve already rejected myself.” Likewise for delusions of invulnerability.

Connections require time. It takes a lot of time for a plant to grow. Or to use those 3M sticky things where you have to press it against the wall for a minute and wait for the seal to set. People are too complex for anyone to experience all aspects of another individual in a few hours, weeks, or even months. Patience lets a relationship unfurl over time without attempting to force closeness too early. Again, connections are organic, and cannot fully grow overnight.

Connections require boundaries. Even the deepest connections have limits. The end goal of connection is not to merge into a blob where the identity of the parts is lost. We don’t mix humans together like cake batter. There has to be a little give and a little take on each side and always a bit of mystery held back about each individual to keep a sense of excitement alive and stimulate growth. Boundaries ensure that each party always has something unique to bring to the relationship.

Connections require reflection. Connecting with other people inevitably changes all parties involved. The conscious acknowledgement of how one has been transformed through the energetic connection with another soul completes this process. Without conscious acknowledgement of the affect the other person has had on us, we remain ignorant and in the dark about the true nature of what we’re experiencing, preventing full intimacy.

Finally, connections necessitate pain. There’s painful awkward moments of starting a relationship. There’s growing pains. There’s conflict and rupture along the way. There’s pain in exposing vulnerabilities. There’s pain in being misunderstood and misunderstanding. Then there’s the inevitable pain and grief when the relationship, like all things in this world, comes to its end.

Connections will inevitably hurt us, but the pain is just a little bit of leaven for the relational loaf. The joy, meaning, love, wholeness, and fulfillment we get out of seeing and being seen by another soul is worth it even knowing that every connection will be lost. Like our legs will inevitably get hurt and grow old as we walk around, yet our lives will be much richer for the experiences they carried us through and all that pain and hurt is worth it.

A caveat -there is one connection that we don’t have to give up: the one with our Creator.